So, confession time.
I don’t have a very good relationship with my mother. You could say, we probably don’t have much of one. To answer the question as to why, would involve opening many cans of worms that we’ve buried deep beneath the earth, but not forgotten about. I don’t know that this is the proper place to talk about something that can be hurtful at times. I also don’t think that prayer is the answer, especially since I ceased believing in a Deity a long time ago, or more accurately, most religions’ versions of a Deity.
We don’t talk much these days. In fact, I haven’t spoken to her in over two years. I don’t expect that this situation will change in the near term, because it seems that we’ve become strangers to each other over the intervening years. I have a tremendous amount of unresolved anger issues with respect to my parent, but at the same time, I have an equal amount of pride and respect for her as a parent who did the best she could with what little she had. I turned out okay in the end.
Still, some things rankle from the past. For example, I’m sure most of you have never been thrown out of your house at seventeen, the day after graduation from high school, your belongings wrapped up in garbage bags ready to be picked up at the curb. It’s unlikely that you were whipped by a belt during your childhood, or forced to kneel with your hands outstretched for hours, or made to swallow chiles pickled in vinegar, or made to sleep in a garage in the winter while completely naked.
If you happen to be gay as I am, it may not be likely that your parent refuses to discuss things that are important to you, such as acknowledging that the person you would like to be with for the rest of your life happens to be of the same gender as you. It may be unlikely that your parent ignores all attempts to engage in that kind of interaction.
There aren’t very many things that my mother and I have in common. Oh, we share the same blood, and she and I have a love of food … but that’s about it, really. Most of our phone conversations tend to be devoid of any real meaning. We might as well be discussing the weather.
When I spend time with my friends on holidays where family matters most, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, what does that say about my own relationship with my parent?
I wonder sometimes.
And I wonder if there is hope for us both.
Spaghetti alla norma
1 eggplant, trimmed and diced
sea salt
dried spaghetti
1 garlic clove, peeled and crushed
olive oil
1 can crushed San Marzano tomatoes
freshly milled black pepper, to taste
4 basil leaves + more, cut into a chiffonade for garnish
freshly grated ricotta salata
Place diced eggplant in a colander and set the colander over a bowl. Sprinkle eggplant with a generous amount of salt, then lay a plate atop the eggplant and weight it with a heavy can. Set aside for an hour. During this time, the salt will leach any bitter juices out of the eggplant, which would otherwise affect the taste of the final dish. Discard any brown water that collects in the bowl.
Warm olive oil over medium heat in a large skillet. Fry the eggplant cubes a small batch at a time or until the eggplant turns golden brown. When done, spoon the eggplant with a slotted spoon and place onto paper towel-lined plates so the oil can drain out from the cubes. You don’t want to cook the eggplant for too long, or else it will become greasy. Drain the skillet of any remaining olive oil.
Meanwhile, prepare the tomato sauce. Gently warm olive oil in a saucepan, along with the garlic clove. When the garlic turns a pale gold, after about a minute, remove the garlic clove and add the tomatoes to the pot. Lower the heat, add a pinch of salt (or to taste), along with the basil leaves and cook, covered for 15 to 20 minutes or until the sauce thickens slightly. Taste for salt and pepper. Depending on the quantity of spaghetti you’ve prepared, you probably won’t be using all of the sauce for the pasta. Leftover sauce can be refrigerated or frozen. Keeps for up to a week refrigerated, or six months if frozen.
Prepare spaghetti according to package directions. Cook until al dente, then drain. Ladle 2 ladlefuls of tomato sauce into the same skillet used to cook the eggplant. Add the pasta directly to the pan, along with the eggplant. Mix well. Heat the pasta just enough so that it’s warmed through, then remove from heat. Taste for salt and pepper once more. Typically, spaghetti alla norma is served with grated ricotta salata on top, but in the picture above, you see grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese — I used that because that’s what I had on hand. Either way, spoon pasta onto warmed serving bowls, sprinkle with grated cheese and basil. Serve at once.
Time: 2 hours. Most of the time will be spent on eggplant prep.
I think it was okay to use this forum to voice what was on your chest. I think the comfort of food; thinking about it, shopping for the ingredients, preparing recipes all act as a good vice and help soothe our souls. I have a sister who in the last 2 years has just become exhausting and although we were once very close we now do not speak. My husband has not spoken to his mother in 10 years and I think still hoping for a long awaited apology. So you are not alone. Do what keeps you happy and above all keep cooking and writing about it. It is joyful.
The thing that I want to do the most is completely sever my relationship with my mother, and I resent the fact that I can’t, at least not yet.
There’s more to this story, but I’ll save that for another post in the near future. Some current problems that should have been resolved a few years ago need resolution soon, because I’m not getting any younger.
Thanks for the supportive words, however. Much appreciated.
It sounds as though you have reached some stage of forgiveness, which takes away the power of the pain. But that doesn’t take away the memories. Only you can protect your heart; do what you must to separate yourself from hurt. I left home at seventeen of my own volition, to get away from a toxic household. We have since mended our relationships and I have been able to forgive. I wish you the best, sweetheart, as you create a loving family of support around you.
Forgiveness? More like resignation.
There are a few cans of worms that haven’t been opened yet, to say the least.
But thank you for the kind words, Birdie. It’s appreciated.
I hope there is always Hope; good luck.
There may not be much hope.
It’s a “complicated” relationship. What you’ve read is literally the tip of the iceberg.
Oh, your mother really is the one who needs prayer. She’s got some weird ideas on what unconditional love means.
Thanks for the support, however she’s not entirely to blame. There are things I’ve done in the past that I’m not proud of. It’s not an entirely one-sided story.
I\’m sorry that the relationship between the two of you is so difficult. Here\’s what I find remarkable, though. You are all grown up, accomplished, talented, productive, despite everything that has happened. And you have a generous spirit in refusing to lay all the blame at her feet. Sometimes I wonder if the day we die is actually the day we resolve all of our issues with parents and growing up and all that mess. I hope you eventually find a resolution to this, especially to the issue of the papers which I, with my love and craving for travel, would find impossible to forgive.
I know, right?
The last conversation she had with me, was, “If you want to talk, I’m here.” I haven’t taken her up on her offer yet though, because I know what will happen if history is any guide.
“Complicated”, right?
Hey Stash! Listen, I give you credit for baring parts of your soul. I wrote to you once basically saying … give what you want of yourself, no more no less. Thank you, for thinking enough of all of us, to share a personal part of you. xoxo
Thank you, Carie. Your support means a great deal to me.
I read in one of your replies that there are things for which you are to blame. That may be so and it is a credit to your spirit that you wish to accept responsibility for your part. I cannot believe that any child deserves the abuse (and yes what you describe is abuse – not punishment or discipline) you describe. And I can only imagine this is the tip of the iceberg. Forgiveness may ease your pain but that does not mean you must forgive and have a relationship with your mother. You can choose, if you wish, to sever all ties and move on with your own life. Just because you share blood does not mean you are bound for life. I came to a point with my own mother (and our relationship was not nearly so fractured) wherein I told her if she could not control herself I would control when I saw her. There was more, but that is enough as this is not about me. Family is a condition of birth – not a requirement for living.
Severing all ties is easier than it sounds, especially when it comes to an issue that Lynette referred to in her comment (i.e., “the papers”). There are some other things too, that will be difficult to reveal, especially about my side.
Those will be topics for future posts.
Now, I hope that people who come to this blog don’t focus on ONLY the negativity, when there’s photography and posts of so many delicious things to eat.
This isn’t JUST a blog about my life, you know.
Thank you, Jessica, for the comment and the support. It’s appreciated.